Really, I hate to bitch. No. Wait. That’s not true. I love to bitch. But I hate to bitch in a vacuum, without talking about cool positive stuff too.

Truth be told, I knew full well what I was getting myself into with this itinerary (minus the massive outbreak of electronic fail), and so I took care to protect my mental well-being by bracketing the Hell Drive with plenty of Nature-y Awesomeness.

Before I left for the Great Northward Voyage, I spent the entire day chilling at the beautiful but seemingly ignored Tierra del Fuego National Park, where I think I saw less than 50 other visitors over the course of the entire day. This is a shame, since the park is absolutely beautiful.

I started off by tackling the Park’s longest trail, the Cerro Guanaco. This trail starts off challenging, with a steep ascent, then torments you in Biblical fashion with a series of hiking plagues: goopy shoe-stealing mud, slippery gravel, ice-encrusted snow, and so forth.

Schlorrppppp!

But the rewards were great as well. I spent most of the hike in utter peace and solitude, with the only sound coming from birdsongs, burbling streams, and the wind-blown rocking of the tall trees, which creaked like shutters on an abandoned house.

Unfortunately, my visit was a little too close to the cusp of winter, and the trail gradually went from challenging to treacherous, requiring one to pass along very steep slopes that were almost entirely covered in ice.

And here my troubles began...

I made my way across several such passes, but finally came to one that was just a little too long, steep and slick – especially since I’d already strained my ankle a bit on an earlier mud-related incident.

Fortunately, there were plentier of wussier pursuits for those who took the coward’s way out. The far end of the park, a section called Lapataia, is a pretty terrific wildlife reserve.

The Kelp Goose is master of all he surveys

Apparently this is a "carancho"

Beaver dams, but no damn beavers

Best of all, I made a new friend – a red Patagonian fox, who followed me for about a kilometer or two of my hike, like a stray dog. It was kind of eerie actually – kind of like that whole spiritual guide thing from The Doors (or, if you prefer, Wayne’s World 2). Except it wasn’t a naked Indian (thank god). And instead of showing me higher truths about the universe, he just padded along with me until he saw some tasty looking rabbits.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Still, he was pretty awesome, and I totally would have patted his head if I’d bothered to get my rabies vaccination.

The day after I completed the Ruta 3 ordeal referenced below – or, as I’m now referring to it, the background research for my upcoming book, “Gas Stations and Truck Stops of Southeast Argentina” – I spent the entire day at Peninsula Valdes, which is pretty much the marine wildlife mecca for the Patagonian coast.

Of course, since this is Patagonia, even this relaxing activity involved a good 3-400km of driving. But once I got there, the peninsula was absolutely thronged with massive right whales doing amazing, whaley things.

There were also multiple colonies of elephant seals just chilling on the various beaches.

My God... it's full of seals...

King of the Castle

On the land, I saw a bunch of ñandus, which are Patagonia’s version of ostriches.

And I even got to see a renegade penguin, stumbling around goofily on the rocky shore, apparently quite far from the rest of his brethren.

He was just following the rich, soothing sound of Morgan Freeman's voice...

The park also featured several amusing and even campy signs – often with stilted Spanglish – indicating how visitors should behave, which I found greatly amusing.

Please! Do not caress the armadillos!

Of course, penguins are like crack- you can’t stop at just one fix. Well, they’re like crack in other ways, too, but I really don’t have time to go into that, as this post is already quite long. But my point is, I followed up the Valdes trip with a visit to Punto Tombo, the largest penguin colony in South America. And it’s no joke – there are zillions of Magellanic Penguins just running around – nesting, making fish runs, and just generally getting underfoot.

Would monsieur care to see our wine list?

Penguins re-enacting the dramatic opening of Saving Private Ryan

The best part is that I managed to get there quite early – long before the tourist buses arrived – and practically had the place to myself. Myself and a few hundred thousand penguins. It was pretty trippy.

OK – enough for now. I’m completely wired on espresso and need to walk around. Time is running out!